Why Wasn't I Enough

Because it isn't about you, just like it wasn't about me. I still want to scream when I hear those words "it's not about you" even this far into our recovery.

Published: August 15, 2022
Reviewed: February 19, 2025

If you are struggling with the fact that your partner’s sexual addiction isn't about you, grab a cup of tea and let’s chat. One of my favorite quotes on this subject is from the book Unleashing Your Power by Carol Juergensen Sheets & Christine Turo-Shields. “It is not until you learn about addiction that you figured out that you had nothing to do with his choices, yet his choices affected every fiber of your existence.”

I absolutely love that these authors were able to give language to something I have been feeling for so long but have been unable to articulate. If it wasn’t about me, why has it affected everything that I am? I thought that maybe, just maybe, if I could be ____ (fill in the blank) then he would stay faithful to me. But here’s the problem with that logic, his addiction wasn’t about me. He had it long before we ever met. His addiction was his attempt to cope with his internal state of dysregulation.

If he grew up in a home that was traumatic and/or dysfunctional, he wasn’t taught the proper skills to self-regulate, express feelings and emotions, or validate his existence. One day he finds himself in the middle of an addiction, all because he has no idea how to be comfortable or safe inside his own skin. We are designed to find a state of inner peace. The psychological term is homeostasis. When he hasn’t been equipped to achieve this, he will try whatever he can to bring some sense of calm to his system. It’s a faux sense of calm, but it’s been a reliable coping mechanism that probably started long before he met you.

Do you still suffer?

Many partners feel isolated while suffering the effects of betrayal. The healing that's needed can't be done alone.

A trauma-informed partner coach with a shared lived experience is essential for your healing.

Healing from infidelity

Is porn his problem?

Men who use porn can live in denial of how it harms others.

Facing the reality of his situation may be the last thing he wants to do, but he can start by assessing the severity of his problem.

Self-assessment

He may be stuck in this coping pattern until he is ready to solve the true problem. You must do what is best for you if that is the case. Living with someone who is in active addiction is traumatizing to your entire system. You must protect yourself if he is unwilling to do the work and maintain sobriety. Having an addiction doesn’t give him a free pass, so please don’t misunderstand the meaning behind this blog. He must do the work! The work looks something like this:

He is seeking sexual addiction therapy or coaching
He is attending weekly Anonymous support group meetings
He has a sponsor
He is learning how his addiction has harmed you
He is working to create a safe relationship for you both

I wrote this for you to have some sort of understanding behind the “why”, not to excuse his addiction. I also want to validate your feelings on this subject. My fear of “not being enough” or “not good enough” is something that I may never fully rid myself of. For my personal growth and healing to take root I have had to change my views on his addiction. It cannot be about me if it started in his childhood. It cannot be about me if it was his attempt to solve a problem. Rinse and repeat. Remember, You Are Enough! You are not alone. You are loved. You are going to be OK!

Healing from betrayal trauma

About the author

Rebecca is co-founder of Oak Mountain Coaching, an online practice that helps men regain their sexual integrity from the throes of active addiction and helps their partners heal from betrayal trauma.