How Did I Get Here?

Here, being the surreal vortex of pain, confusion, anger, and fear. Finding out that your safe person has betrayed you can cripple your nervous system.

Published: August 4, 2022
Reviewed: February 19, 2025

How did I get here?

If you’ve clicked on this blog, you’ve been asking yourself that very same question. Here, being the swirling, surreal, vortex of pain, confusion, anger, and fear that is betrayal. Finding out that your safe person has betrayed you, the person you’ve pledged your life to can be emotionally, spiritually, and physically crippling. I know, I’ve been there too.

Please hear this, you are not crazy.

There is a name for all the emotions, confusion, and pain you’re feeling. It’s called Partner Betrayal Trauma (PBT), or Betrayal Trauma. This type of trauma has been compared to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It's vital that you seek help during this time. You are now empowered with a name for the chaos that is your life right now. I would encourage you to find resources to help you as you learn to navigate this pain.

As a couple, we know the pain and struggle of recovering our lives and our marriage after 20+ years of his addiction. In our recovery we learned the value of helping others in the fight for their relationship. This is what we do. For my husband Tony and myself, this is what recovery looks like. Tony is an addiction recovery coach who helps men find freedom from their sexual obsessions, and I am a betrayal trauma partner coach for their partners. No matter how you got here, take courage dear friend, there is hope for recovery.

Please know that you are not alone. You are loved. You are going to be OK.

Do you still suffer?

Many partners feel isolated while suffering the effects of betrayal. The healing that's needed can't be done alone.

A trauma-informed partner coach with a shared lived experience is essential for your healing.

Healing from infidelity

Is porn his problem?

Men who use porn can live in denial of how it harms others.

Facing the reality of his situation may be the last thing he wants to do, but he can start by assessing the severity of his problem.

Self-assessment

About the author

Rebecca is co-founder of Oak Mountain Coaching, an online practice that helps men regain their sexual integrity from the throes of active addiction and helps their partners heal from betrayal trauma.